How to not be a Narcissistic Asshole
We all have been there to some degree. How to identify early signs and be aware of your behavior?
There’s an age old saying that goes like, “If you feel like you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room”. Has it ever happened to you, when you’re talking to someone or even addressing a group in general, you get super occupied with your own stories, thoughts and ideas that you always forget to see how these are being received on the other end. Congratulations, you're a Narcissistic Asshole to a certain degree. It’s even more difficult to do so, when you’re the one with vivid life experiences and adventurous stories than the one(s) on the receiving end. But that doesn’t mean the person(s) on the other side is any less; and it’s quite difficult to understand this fact. Sure, you have all your amazing stories and ideas and I totally get the pressure that surmounts upon you when you’re talking to someone - the pressure to not miss out on something. But this often supersedes your ability to empathize and relate. This is something that a lot of us miss out on. I most certainly have. On multiple occasions, I make a conversation all about myself and my stories and conveniently forget to involve the other person in a dialogue. Only when someone points out that we’re talking only about ourselves, do we realize actually. But is it really that bad a thing - to talk about oneself? After all, if there’s one thing we know the most about than anybody else possibly ever will, it would be about our own selves.
That is just the angel side to it. When you let the demon takeover, you fail to empathize with the other individual and acknowledge their experiences. There is a very fine line to be drawn here, to separate how you talk about yourself and how you present yourself. I realized very recently that the purpose of Human Existence is to wander around in search of purpose itself (thanks to Mark Manson). This search can get quite lonely. You need to be in good company of others who are headed in the same direction as you are; and you need to earn that company, it won’t be magically bestowed upon you by virtue of all your stories, thoughts and ideas.
Bear with me here and consider this hypothetical scenario: There’s a long stretch of road ahead and you’re with some 10 people. Some 30 roads lead to this stretch and there’s 50 more forks ahead at the end of this road. All those 10 people who are with you on this same stretch has landed here either through one or more of those 30 roads; and will go on to take any one of the 50 that lies ahead. In this journey, you’re sharing only a very short stretch on the relative scale of things, although it might seem quite long now, at the moment. All those people have travelled through paths very different than yours and they’ll have respective experiences associated with their walks of life. Yet, you all have landed on the same stretch fortunately or unfortunately. Even if it’s for a brief moment, do realize that whatever the journey they had so far, led them to you; and vice versa. All of your choices, experiences and decision has exactly led up to this point and it can’t be dismissed merely as a freaky coincidence. No matter which point of life you’re in, it’s important to realize this. Depending on how you all take this stretch that you share, few might choose to take one of the 50 different directions that you take. And then you March along in your pursuit of purpose. This happens through how you carry and present yourself: your stories, your experiences, your ideas… everything that’s yours and everything that makes you, You. This little endeavor would lead to fruition only if you’re able to make the other person see the value you bring to their journey through all of your attributes.
If you’re just talking to someone only about yourself, it has this selfish motto to make yourself feel good about yourself at the expense of others’ misery. That’s the value you’re generating for yourself. Be very aware of when this happens and please don’t do that. Do more of the former instead, and try to make others see what they can take away from your stories. If you want your life (and this journey) to be meaningful, you have to touch upon and aim to positively impact as many lives as possible; not just yours.
And if you’re presented with such an opportunity to touch upon and impact lives, be an empathizing storyteller who makes others learn something new through your experiences (and mistakes) rather than a narcissistic asshole.
Lesson of the Week
Talk to people. Step out of your comfort zone and talk to people who are very different than you.
All my life, I’ve always been a shy introvert who kept confined to his own cocoon. I never made an effort to approach and talk to new people and heck, I never made any effort to talk at all. As much as you can impact other lives, other lives can also impact yours. Keep an open heart (and mind) and stay welcoming to those experiences. There’s always something that you can learn from the people you meet. It takes a wise person to see what that lesson could be. No matter the kind of experience you share with the other person, whether it be friendly, professional, romantic or competitive, there is always something you can learn from the way someone carries themselves. Respect that and aim to free yourself from your own bias.
Quote of the Week
“Most skills can be learned. But it is difficult to train people on their personality.” - Richard Branson
Read of the Week
How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie
This book is a no-brainer choice when it comes to learning about people skills. I read this book few months back and I found it really fascinating. Carnegie takes a deep dive into the subject and he explains how one can really win friends and leave a positive impact on people. If you’re looking to build your interpersonal skills, this is the book that you should start with. There’s one other by Malcolm Gladwell but that can follow the learnings from this book.
Editorial Notes
Most of what I share in TYD is based off my life experiences and the content is inspired largely from the people I interact with on a daily basis. Although that list is very very small, I would like to thank each and every one of them wholeheartedly. Without you all, this venture would just be impossible. I tried my level best to not make this edition all about myself vis-à-vis not be a Narcissistic Asshole but please forgive me if I ever made myself come across as one. I’m still very much a work in progress; and as always, you’re more than welcome to share your thoughts on this edition for I’m just one mail or a text away.
Wishing only the most and more for you,
Ash.